There are many ways to describe the ‘unalive’ situation of a person, and until you are bereaved, they may all just be words.
With all the condolences, perfunctory greetings after ‘it happened’, I’ve noticed that most people say the same things: “I’m/we’re so sorry for your loss’.
‘Loss’. How soon can we find him?
I’ve also heard “Mr. Barnabas is gone”.
‘Gone’. This is funny, because it leaves the thought that he may be back.
There’s also ‘passed on’ and ‘kicked the bucket’; all different ways people try to commiserate with my family. As honest and genuinely concerned as they seem, I can’t help sensing fear. Unsure of the impact it’d would have, people ‘graciously’ choose words with softer landing.
I understand this. But while euphemisms were created for the sole purpose of these kinds of circumstances, the truth is preferable.
The truth is that my father ‘died’; no other adjective suffices, any other one downplays the hurt, shock and confusion we have to deal with every single day.
Death; from the very moment coldness and quiet greeted my palm on his chest, I’ve lived with the sinister-ness of that. If it sounds harsh, it’s because that’s how it feels. It pricks you, glaringly daring you to do something about it. Then in comes the helplessness, washing over you with a slow, but burning sensation.
I’ve also come to understand, and this may be unsettling, that for you every ‘unalive’ situation, the causing factors may influence the description. For instance, if a person was first ill for a period of time, the description of the ‘unalive’ situation can be different for the bereaved, than if it was abrupt.
Even in all my hurt, I believe that a person whose loved one was ‘killed’ would feel a pain deeper than I can ever imagine. Hence, an apparent difference in description, and to call it anything less would be a gross oversight.
Now that we’re here, and you have understood my stance, I will point out that the words used to describe an ‘unalive’ situation are all valid. The defining criterion, I believe, should be based on what the influencing factors are. To know this, you may have to ask the bereaved. Eggshells, I know.
Or better yet, go with your gut.
As a new grieve-r, I know that half the time, the greeter’s gut fails, as their sympathies mean little to nothing, even to them.
I remember when I was asked what I’d like written on the burial poster. I told them "A Painful Death". It ended up being "Asleep In Jesus", and believe me, I had to be convinced to let this fly; not because I didn’t believe it, but that wasn’t how it felt. The argument was that my choice, however true, was unconventional. Let me add that the winning chooser, was a distant relative.
There are many ways to describe the ‘unalive’ situation of a person, and until you are bereaved, they’d all just be words.