To be honest, this isn’t my first stint. I have experienced this a lot of times. Okay, about a handful of times, in the past. But no time has it ever, as much as I can remember, bothered me as much as this does.
To say that I ‘hardly’ believe that people go out of their way just because, is putting it mildly. I do not believe it. When people start doing things they wouldn’t do, acting how they wouldn’t, good or bad, I always see the rat before I smell it. Call me cynical, but I have a trailer load of past events to back this up.
I did see the signs. I did speak up. “It doesn’t mean anything”, I was told. “You’re overthinking, as usual”, they said. Even if in retrospect, there isn’t much I could have done to cushion the effect, I still believe it could have been mostly averted.
Looking back now, I wonder at his confidence. Granted, his tactics were no surprise, but the esteemed manner in which he executed his intentions, are worth applauding, if I do say so myself.
Thing is, once I gathered that no matter what happened, this was all going downhill, I should have stopped it. I should have avoided every smile, shoulder pat, hand shake, “have you eaten?”, however perfunctory, that built up the desires. I tried to. But, I guess the ‘prey-predator’ situation that accompanies romantic desires, made him oblivious to my red light.
Don’t get me wrong; I don’t blame him. I don’t believe that there’s any way this would have been spun in his favor.
Someone asked “why?”. I can not give any satisfactory answer, not because I don’t have it, but my reasons may seem sad.
I do enjoy (it’s still happening as I write) the sweet and exhausting persistence with which he chases-I am but a woman after all-and it probably is the reason for this fuss.
To be honest, this isn’t my first stint.
However, for the first time, I feel terrible that in rejecting what most women consider the proposal of a lifetime, I have broken a good man’s heart.
👌
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