The Changes

 Dear baby boy, 

We’re transitioning, from one form to another. Not in the way you did, but in the way that the emotional influences the physical. Our physical forms, while still the same, are going through the changes that our psyches are inducing. 

This isn’t voluntary; we have no say in the matter, what with the shock your death caused. 

You see, it’s like everyone around us also has a hand in it, the changes, I mean. I can’t say when we started to notice the nonchalance, or if we’re only just realizing it, but grief does open unexpected doors. 

Our senses are heightened; we see, hear, and sense faster and farther. You can say that the cocoon your presence provided burst as you took your last breath. Our hearts, once big enough to accommodate the flaws and faults of others, have shrunken. 

Certain unexpected actions have birthed commensurate reactions, which in turn may have made us unrecognizable.

This isn’t voluntary; we have no say in the matter, what with the shock your death caused. 

There are many layers to this ‘post-you’ era, and the unraveling process is exhausting. One moment we’re laughing, excitedly, over your memory, the next, we’re stupefied, unable to piece into words what we’re feeling. 

Let me tell me something, I knew the world was filled with diverse qualities and personalities, even in families, but nothing could have prepared me for how we’re each coping with these changes in unique ways. Everyone, going through the motions in their own way. I am grateful though, that your baby girl has slowly come to accept this( she struggled with understanding and accepting my method of mourning at the beginning). 

The beautiful thing is that we have each other.

The “us against the world” lifestyle you and your baby girl showed us, is now more real and applicable than ever. 

This isn’t voluntary; we have no say in the matter, what with the shock your death caused. 

Personally, the drastic difference in my behavior, and thought pattern, is not owed to you alone. I believe everything that happened that year, and they were bad, was just a preamble. And ultimately, you dying made me give up completely on so many ideals I used to hold dear. 

Honestly, I’m scared. I worry that this is just the beginning. If four months can do this, to me, to us, I wonder what the rest of my life holds. 

They say “time heals”. I guess it enlightens too. 

This isn’t voluntary; we have no say in the matter, what with the shock your death caused. 

I’ll admit that this phase could spiral into the rest of our lives, causing us to react in ways beyond our control, not caring which member of our outside world is hurt or dumped along the way, and honestly a part of me would enjoy seeing it through, nevertheless, I am grateful for the help of the Holy Spirit. He’s helping me, us, I hope, see that this need not be the end, but the beginning of beautiful things (hurts to think about the possibility of that without you). 

For now, though, I’m open to feeling, being, living through these changes, however long they may last. 

This isn’t voluntary; we have no say in the matter, what with the shock your death caused.